Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
send nudes
from the living room?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
