I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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