Already got asked if we're dating
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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