it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
