my phone needs a breathalizer
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
