nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
