I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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