She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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