i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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