I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
