fuck your aforementioned shoe
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
