I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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