So drunk its hurt
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
