the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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