did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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