Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
