you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
