So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize