I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
