This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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