You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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