She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
