Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
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