At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
