I wish my penis had an off switch
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
