k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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