so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
