i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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