Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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