they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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