Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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