I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
