shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My balls are so social today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
