I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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