her vagina looked like bernie madoff
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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