Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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