i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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