The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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