my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
