Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
