allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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