Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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