The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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