remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he puts the penis in happiness.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
