There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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