he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
