I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
