My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
