cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
