Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
