His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
