i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
