Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
