Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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