I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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